How you can help Your Child to Overcome Shyness

Some children are slow to warm up or uncomfortable in social situations. We often say they’re naturally shy. If your child experiences shyness, you can help by supporting her in social situations, encouraging brave social behavior and showing her how to act in social situations.

Shyness: the basics

All children are born with individual temperaments. Temperament is the way a child interacts with the world.

‘Shyness’ is one type of temperament. Children with shy temperaments tend to be uncomfortable with social interactions. They sometimes keep away from social situations.

Most children are clingy sometimes, but clinginess comes and goes. Shyness doesn’t go away over time, but shy children can learn to be more confident and comfortable interacting with other people.

Parenting the Shy Child

Some parents feel that it's important to accept a shy child the way she is. Others focus more on teaching a child to interact more comfortably in social situations. Ultimately, it's best to combine support with encouragement. "The goal is not to eliminate shyness but to help the child work within her own personality to do the things she wants to do," Markway says. Some techniques to help your child:

·         Show him the way. Other parents may be sitting on the benches while you join in at the sandbox, but if your child needs you there so he'll feel safe, it's worth a little sand in your shoes.

·         Set the stage. Encourage family and friends to work with your child. Tell them that she's shy or slow to warm up. Ask them to give her time to observe and adjust to a new situation.

·         Find a balance. "Take your child's social temperature," says Gilbert. "You don't want to remove a child from every uncomfortable situation. Learning to deal with anxiety is part of life." However, if it's two hours into a party and she hasn't left your side, it's time to go home. Once there, help by giving her words to use when joining another child at play. She may never be at the center of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, but she can learn to take a turn -- if she wants to.

·         Help your child discover his strengths. "Elliot is a great observer of people," says Laura Gasiorek, of Greensboro, North Carolina, regarding her shy son, 3. "He understands their personalities and emotions because he's not talking; he's looking and thinking. He actually relates really well to his peers." As you help your child to become more socially adept, remind him that you're teaching these skills so that he'll feel more comfortable and be able to enjoy himself, not because you wish he were different.

"Not every child has to be a social butterfly," says Markway, and Hoffman agrees. "I was shy, and Maisy is shy, and it's not a bad thing," she says. "I just wish I'd accepted her the way she is sooner and not worried about what everyone else thinks."

What If She's Not Just Shy

In this era of paranoid parenting, we're hyperalert to everything that could possibly herald a developmental disorder. Usually, a shy child is just a shy child, but sometimes what initially appears as shy behavior may warrant a closer look from a pediatrician or psychologist to rule out a more serious problem. Things to watch for include:

·         Social Phobia or Social Anxiety Disorder
Watch for: Excessively shy behavior that lasts for more than six months and severely limits a child's ability to engage in day-to-day activity (refusal to go to school, inability to participate in class).

·         Selective Mutism
Watch for: A child who understands language and speaks normally at home or to a few select individuals, but refuses (or is unable) to speak in many social situations.

·         Asperger's Syndrome
Watch for: Inability to read social cues, ready attachment to adults but little to peers, an abnormally intense preoccupation with a particular interest, inflexible adherence to rituals, or unusual and repetitive movements.

·         Autism
Watch for: Reluctance or refusal to meet anyone's gaze (including primary caregivers), delayed language, or an apparent inability (as opposed to reluctance) to use language to communicate with others.

The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's condition.

Words by Uzma Umer Abbasi